5 Reasons Why I Take My URL Advice From Charlie Sheen

Est. Reading Time: 4 minutes

I came up with another of my “great” ideas in the middle of the night and, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, staggered to my desk. Fumbling for a piece of paper, I jotted down some notes on a BBQ sauce stained napkin I’d forgotten to throw out a few hours before. “Just enough room in the corner if I write small enough….”

I was so excited I couldn’t sleep. I got back up and after a caffeine jolt, I headed for my laptop to purchase the perfect URL.

Apparently, I wasn’t the first guy who had this idea. My URL was taken. I tried the normal variations on my theme and ran some words through synonym searches. Google’s keyword tool yielded nothing. The idea wasn’t an hour old and already I was beaten.

The next several hours were spent scouring the Internet for advice. I went to webmaster forums and solicited the opinions of “experts” regarding how best to approach this URL issue. All I got were the same tired, old suggestions. “I’m surrounded by fools and trolls”, I thought.

Feeling defeated, I sat down and watched some late night TV re-runs…and then it hit me. There’s one guy I hadn’t asked yet. He’s short and to the point, sometimes even a little sensational, just like a good URL. And so I reached out to the only man who could help me.

I tweeted Charlie Sheen.

Before you call me crazy, hear me out. Here’s 5 reasons why Charlie Sheen knows what it takes to come up with the perfect URL:

1) He’s short.

At only 5’8″, he’s diminutive in size but larger than life. Like Charlie, I want my URL to be violently short. So small in fact, that you cannot miss-type it or wind up somewhere else by mistake. After all, If I can defeat the earthworm with a single, short word, imagine what I can do with my fire breathing fists?

2) He’s direct.

Like Chuck, I want my domain address to be direct, painfully direct – so much so that there will be no question what the site is about. I want it to be easy to find and have a very low bounce rate. I need an address so direct that it’ll make your face melt off and your children weep over your exploded body.

3) He’s a top-level star.

Well, at least he was until he lost that Two and a Half Men gig. Point is, I need a top level extension, a .com, because that’s what people expect. It’s what they remember and what they take seriously. Domain Registrars don’t make it any easier to find the right URL but I’m determined not to give up. They need to know they picked a fight with a warlock.

4) He never uses hyphens.

His name is Sheen, not Estavez-Sheen. Just Sheen. Google considers URLs with hyphens to be lesser then their letter-only counterparts. And I’ll have no numbers either. My domain address will make Sinatra’s, Flynn’s, Jagger’s, Richards’, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.

5) Finally, he does not refer to himself by name.

He calls himself a “Vatican Assassin Warlock”. He’s “winning”, “a totally bitchin’ rock star from Mars”, and “battle-tested bayonets’ bro”, but never once have I heard the man refer to himself simply as just “Charlie”. Search any of the terms above and you’re likely to find something about him. Now THAT’S visibility. If Sheen isn’t a rock star from Mars, he’s most certainly a rock star from a higher SEO planet.

It’s 4am and, much to my surprise, Sheen hasn’t tweeted me back yet. Maybe he’s busy riding a tsunami of media on a mercury surfboard or trolling the Internet for goddesses. Guess I’ll try to get some sleep and check my Twitter account in the morning.

Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep.